you live for the fight

i worked hard on the bed but didn't get it finished. i got it framed in and framed the slats. when i started attaching the legs i decided i wanted 4x4s instead of 2x4s and also wanted extra brackets for support. so i guess we'll go back to home depot and grab those tomorrow and i can finish it up. i'm so excited! it's 34" high (from the floor to the bottom of the frame), so it's not a loft, but it's higher than a conventional bed. i chose the height because the pack n play, where tricky naps and sometimes sleeps, is 32" high, and i wanted to be able to just slide it under there without breaking it down when it's not in use (it currently stays set up in my bedroom full time and takes up a lot of floor space). also, i'd like to get another dresser for tricky's clothes (he has one by it's too small for his awesome wardrobe), and if i find one shorter than 34" i can keep that under there too. plus, i like cozy sleeping spaces. i like being off the ground like that.

it's after 4am (with the time change) and i'm too awake. i should go curl up in bed with the trickster because i'm too mentally too tird to focus on anything. i didn't wash diapers so will have to tomorrow morning. he's in his last fitted now. i did wash wool today, so that's something.

my entries are mundane, like a diary: this is what i did, what i will do, what i need to do. these are my chores. i don't like that. my life is so different now than it was a few months ago. i was driving around today with tricky, listneing to "we built this city on rock and roll" and killing time. i wondered if i may have been happier when i was working at safehouse. i was so tired and sick and burnt out, but remember how much fun i was? remember going to the bar and flirting? remember saturday mornings at sg? remember my killer wardrobe and fabulous music? i bought a destiny's child greatest hits cd recently and lostened to soldier for the first time in the like a year. and it gave me chills. i used to drop my kid off at the squeezebox at 10pm and hit the scene, dressed to the nines and beatin the hottest jams. i did this all the time. even though i hardly slept, was so exhausted, had a nursing/teething baby. now i do nothing. i pace around my house. yesterday i put tricky in the car and drove for an hour and a half, no where imparticular. i left the house meaning to go somewhere, but i couldn't think of anywhere i wanted to go.

i'm bored. i'm so fucking bored and i have no motivation to do anything. the thought of having any obligation that involves leaving my house or interacting with anyone besides my kid and maybe my sister terrifies me. i am not like this. i have never been like this. i invited like 20 people to my kid's birth for chrissakes. i love a parade. the more the merrier. chaos is my element. socializing is my solace.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

what song(s) would your ideal, best ever house cleaning mix have on it? anything goes. please respond. i need all the motivation i can get!

got a good workout in this morning while tricky hung out with z. brought music for the first time. yeah, i've been working out without music. it's meditative, i get meotional, shit gets worked out. but i'm finding myself not wanting to go to the gym because i'm not in the mood to get all deep and dark and shit. the physical workout always feels good, so if i can tune out with music, i may get there even when i'm psychologically fried. now i need to make some gansta rap mixes for the gym.

started one of the sleeves for the robinhood jacket yesterday. maybe i can work more on that today. i seriously need to get my housework on, though. and make the chicken and roasted root veggies i meant to make two days ago. and study for my psych test tomorrow. and do a fuck ton of math homework.

really i want to sleep. take a night, long, toddler-free shower and sleep.

i need to shoot the other vial at maybe 5 or 6pm. my cervix feels right, temp still low this morning. blah blah goblin baby blah.

i have been composing an e-mail to jaqxun since before i rolled out of bed this morning, so i guess i should write it down soon.

reposted for jaqxun:

where credit is due: the art of being a dyke bottom. circa 2001.


( tyler smut. circa 2004. )

okay, i'm a little more awake now.

drank off some of my crazy last night with mk, who took me to the american for free drinks (that would be, many, many drinks). i bought a pack of sokes and had a few. they tastes bad. i left the pack at a table full of smokers when we left. i'd been a month. i'm not starting again.

after, we went to mk's and he read to me from audre lorde's "zami: a new spelling of my name" while i sprawled out on the bed in a semi-conciousness that was particularly enjoyable. the reading was beautiful. then we went for a walk in the damp dark. i shivered. i felt alive.

i picked up tricky at midnight. emily ryan, who had babysat, said he was perfect. said he didn't cry when i left at all. said he was agreeable about diaper changing, jammies, bedtime. said he fell asleep inside 15 minutes with little resistance. said he was out for the count and she hadn't heard from him since. he didn't wake up as i bundled him into the car. he snored the entire way home.

of course, once we got up into my apartment, the script flipped. he was wide awake, screaming, wanting nothing, as per the last few nights. i tried everything i could think of, but finally dumped him in the playpen and told him to figure it out. after 20 minutes he was still screaming, so i struck the deal called "you can come in my bed, lay down and go to sleep, or you can stay in the playpen in a different room and scream as much as you like." he chose out, and evntually did sleep. he crawled down to the end of the bed, by my feet and spread out on his back there. he didn't shift all night, and for a second this morning i thought he might be dead, but i checked his pulse and there it was. he sleept until 11, when i woke him up. he ate applesauce and then puked. i cleaned up said puke and situated the kiddos in front of a thomas dvd (quinn is here). tricky demanded "more brepest" (breakfast), and i gave him and egg. he ate is up and is now galavanting around, despite a low grade fever. i still feel crappy.i need to wash diapers laundry, nd washing some dishes would be cool, and my sheets need changing, and i still have that soaker to knit for tricky, plus everything else.

whatever.

i have felt so out of it for a number of days now. i need to snap out of the shit. really.

i stayed home yesterday. napped with my kid, who only slept an hour. got almost all the dishes done. still have work today before work tonight. still exhausted despite sleeping for nine hours last night (i was up twice though. once with tricky and once because the litening stom woke me and i got afraid about lightening striking the window a/c so i tuned it off.)

i made a good stir fry last night. sadly, tricky hardly ate it. usually he's into stuff like that. he barely touch the broccolli even, one of his all time favorite foods.

i poked around in his mouth last night before bed and came to discover that one of his two year old molars has broken the skin. just one tiny spike sort of on the side of his gum. i was astounded. i wonder how long they'll all take. a year? it was the top left. he was upset and i gave him ibuprofin. he had a low fever too.

i ate a little bowl of ice cream. haven't had any in a couple weeks. i want junk food so badly today, and the fact that my groceries are waning and i have no "instant" meals makes it hard. i don't have any junk food in my house, but at suzee's it's all there is. i need to leave here and find something to eat, but i brought diapers with to wash and they still have another wash cycle and a dry. i could leave them and come back i suppose...

i feel like i make my life so difficult for myself. why?

after i made dinner last night rosemary came over for a little while. she swept my kicthen floor and picked up all of tricky's toys. she'd been drinking beer before she biked over so i had some whiskey. we took tricky into the backyard and my downstairs neighbors and my across-the-alley landlords were having a backyard cook out. between the two families they have a 14 month old, two four year old and a seven year old. tricky played tag with them (less the 14-month-old) and rosemary and i smoked cigarettes and laughed at them. i joined in the game for a little while and the kids thought it was the greastest thing. remember the joy of being a little kid and having a grown up join in your games or play with you/ nothing better. i ran around with them screaming until i collapsed and they all collapsed on top of me.

all the rest of the kids speak both english and spanish. i need to get tricky and i enrolled in some spanish classes. i'm seriously considering emerson for kindergarten for him. it's a spanish immesion program in the old neighborhood, and susan phillips sends her kids there and likes it a lot.

preschool first though i suppose. i need to get my as in gear about that.

my journal was public for over three years, and then came the bullshit, and now it's friends olny.

if you dig me, comment. i'll probably friend you and let you into my self-aborbed, chaotic, gorgeous little life.

ETA: i am not cutting my friends list. this is a public entry for people who read the first three public years of my live journal and then wondered why i stopped updating all of a sudden. (hint, i didn't, and you, yes you, can continue the saga if you comment now.

this messege will self destruct in ten seconds.)

today has offered blow after blow. i am sitting here trying to feel blessed or identify the origin of my terrible mood so i can attempt to remedy it. i'm in a funky place, thick and reletless with no identifiable doors, in or out. i need sleep desperately.

as for you, fuck you. really. i am confused enought to just say uncle after turing your analysis of my life over and over again in my head. clearly you are gutless, as i am harmless and you have no need to be anonymous. my life is, always has been, riddled with adversity, some of my own choosing and some not. your perspective is certainly not original. in the words of ani difranco; "if you think you know what i'm doing wrongyou're gonna have to get in line." and let me assure you that one of the people in front of you in said line is me:

far, far from perfect. far even from good, noble, kind. i am constantly getting into and out of trouble, much of it my own damn fault. i am always trying to learn something new, always falling down, scraping up my metophorical knees, limping to the metphorcal medicine cabinet only to discover i'm out of metaphorical motherfucking bandaids. this is true. but also true is my openness to the abundent blessings poured over me at every turn, and my acknowledgement of and thankfulness for them. even the soundbites of this journal come back over and over again to god, his strong and guiding hands and how indebted exactly i am for the immese beauty i experience everyday.

and my parenting, what of that? my son was brought into this world surrounded by love and warmth, born into a community so great i can not believe the fortune of it. though not perfectly, he has been parented thoughtfully and has never wanted for a basic need. he is diapered in organic cotton and wool, was breastfed for almost 13 months, is offered tablefood 6-8 times a day, and has never had to put up with the chaos of a childcare center, eve though i have worked 50-60 hours a week since he was a month old. his first nanny, lovely jenn, still sits for him once a week because her love for him is too great not to see him at least that often. his current care providers offer more attention and understanding than i could ever have hoped for. by the grace of god i have diecovered a way to earn full-time wages and still stay at home with him every day. our privledge, his and mine, is great for that reason above all others.

that having been said, i will not raise an arrogant, ignorant white son. to give him his every whim would be sorely irresponsible. to introduce to him the concept that he does not derserve something solely because he wants it is intensly important to me, hense phrases such as, "that's an unrealistic expectation to have of me". i am proud of that phrase and many similar parenting actions. my son will be upstanding and compassionate and understand that because of the power given to him automatically because of his gender and race he is required to relinquish some of his desires and comforts in the name of equlity. this is not haphazard parenting, the result of me being incapable of providing to him that which is my responsibility. it is a conscious choice and i believe deeply in it.

to discount any woman's experience with sexual violence is obscene. really, it is inexcuseable. in the community i belong to, one mght realistically be cast out for that behavior. i am notpersonally affected because i know, inside and out, the facts of my life and experiences, and i will not be denied my healing. but many women are not as lucky as i am, and you are their enemy in those words, for some a bigger ememy than their assulters.

i have much more to say to you, i would spit on you but new jersey is too far away. i think little of you and call you a coward, as well as being confused about why you'd spend such an insanely huge ammount of time reading my back journal entries and formulating such a well-thought out, but undoubtably time consuming, inventory of my defects. you realize that this is stalking behaviour, which suggests some kind of disorder for whch you might well seek treatment.

sorry you don't like my poetry. if its quality (or lack thereof) upsets you, pehaps you should abstain from reading it. just a thought.

1/4/05

as though an arial photograph
i know you now,
after all what is between us?
a map of veins.

a child, i watched you
garden beneath a patchwork
of mulberry leaves;
generations bloomed
from your palm.
this family tree,
thick as genesis.

livsmama resolved a poem a day this year, and i am in awe.

but maybe i'll try too...

it seems everytime i mention hippe scramble in a post someone is curious about how it's made, so i am thrilled to post it here for all to view. hippie scramble is usually eaten for breakfast, but makes a hearty meal any time of the day. it's name comes from the fact that it is made of eggs, which are cheap to buy, and vegitables, including potatos, which are easy to dumpster. in punk houses, cooking up a hippie scramble daily is a good way to use up all that dumpstered produce before it goes bad, and of course you can cook produce that is turning whereas you may not be inclinded to eat it raw.

now, without further ado, sonya's famous hell yeah hippie scramble!

-one bag of fresh pre-shredded potatos (i like the brand simply potatos) or 3 good sized -baking potatos diced, sliced or shredded
-eggs (i usually use 8 or so, but it's up to you and how many people you're feeding.)
-about 1/2 cup shreeded cheese (i usually use cheddar, but any cheese, including parmesan and cream cheese will work)
-onion
-garlic
-fresh veggies (broccoli is a standard in mine, and when it's not winter so are tomotos. i'm also partial to spinich leaves, carrots and bell peppers, bt anything will work really)
-vegitable oil (or olive, or butter, this is really not a picky dish)
-salt and pepper

1. put a medium-high flame under your frying pan (the biggest one you have) and pour maybe 2-3 tablespoons oil in. add potatos, salt, pepper. drizzle another tablespoon or two of oil on the top. let them start to cook, and chop up 1/2 an onion while you do. toss in the onion and stir potatos around.

2. while periodically stirring potatos, cut up your veggies, but leave them in big pieces, like you would with a stirfry. dice your garlic and throw garlic and veggies in with the potatos, which should be close to fully cooked by this time. add more salt and pepper. **if using tomotos, don't add them with the rest of the veggies or they'll get too mushy. wait till the end.

3. crack 4-12 eggs into the pan, depending on how many you are feeding and how much you like eggs. i usually add about 8, which will feed four hungry adults. stir eggs in with potatos and veggies until eggs are almost cooked.

4. add cheese (and tomato, if applicable). stir scramble until cheese is combined and melted, and then turn off the flame. your hippie scramble is complete!

i eat mine with ketchup, but i'm really into ketchup. it's fine plain, or with sour cream and/or salsa, or with soy sauce (really).

hey hey hey! any local mamas planning to stay home with their kiddo(s) tomorrow night? anyone willing to take on another kid?

i am looking for childcare from about 8 until the middle of the night (2? 3? 4?). my baby goes to sleep between 8:30 and nine easily, will sleep in a pack n play that i will provide, and will drink a bottle of dairy milk and take a pacifier to soothe back to sleep if he wakes up. co-sleeping with childcare provider is also a-ok with me. i will drop him off and pick him up.

i will pay $45 cash for this service. i know it's last minute. let me know if you're available. childless folks are also welcome to respond, of course.

love, s.

tricky is going down for a short late afternoon nap. usually he naps at 1-ish, just one nap now, bedtime is 8:30, rise time is 8:30. today he napped from 11 till about 12:45 and is now tuckered ou. plus i think he's starting is upper left eye tooth...yuck. he is charming though, so beautiful. today he did two things i haven't seen him do before. one was to point purposefully. we were in the grocery store and he pointed from the cart to a shelf of beans and said numnumnum. he also walked backwards, several steps, on purpose. i had his coat and hat ready and was sitting on the floor waiting for him to come over and get into them. he walked close to me, like 2 feet away, and i reached out to pull him into my lap and he grinned at me and took about 4 or 5 steps back. that tricky baby. i just laughed, and then so did he.

i had supervision with lam and am not mad at him anymore. it's a really good tool for me and i asked him if we could meet weekly instead of biweekly. i think it might work out. but i always eat shortly before i meet him and then don't have room to dine wit him. today at quangs i wanted lemongrass chicken, but knew i wouldn't be able to eat it, so i got some spring rolls and a viet coffee instead. lam let tricky knaw on the bones from his pork.

this morning tricky and i danced to the song "land of canaan" by the indigo girls for about 25 minutes. that's right, you heard it hear first: i listen to the indigo girls. but only in the privacy of my own home when no one else is around and never in my car.

i was able to do a lot of damage control housework earlier and am trying to decide if i willa ttempt anything else before i get ready for work or just hang out online instead. motivation, where art thou?

ERICH JOHN WAGAR MEMORIAL FUND BENEFIT

Minneapolis, MN Nov 29th, 2004


Aerial photographer Erich John Wagar’s untimely death November 16th
left
behind wife Gretchen and 3-year-old son Max. Erich, of Brooklyn Park
MN,
died while BASE jumping in Somerset WI, as noted in the St Paul Pioneer
Press, Minneapolis Star Tribune, and local television networks.
Erich’s
local community presents a benefit and silent auction Monday December
13th
at 7:00pm at Patrick’s Cabaret in Minneapolis, open to all, children
welcome. All proceeds will go to the Erich John Wagar Memorial Fund to
directly assist Gretchen and Max.

Erich was the family’s sole wage earner; Gretchen has cared for Max as
well
as being active in the local parenting and birth support communities.
The
goal of the Memorial Fund Benefit is to provide financial relief
towards
rent costs for Gretchen and Max as they face the upcoming holidays
without a
husband and father. Admittance is open to all; suggested donation of
$5.
Silent auction to be held from 7:00pm to 8:00pm; regional donors so far
include Chanhassen Dinner Theatres, Motorwerks BMW, and D’Amico among
many
others. Refreshments will include desserts and beverages for children
and
adults; donations for each are welcomed. Donations after the event may
be
made to the Erich Wagar Memorial Account at Wells Fargo Bank, 8041
Brooklyn
Boulevard, Brooklyn Park, MN 55445, 763-493-1230.

For additional information, contact:
Sue Berger
612-827-7547
sueellenberger@hotmail.com

Erich John Wagar Memorial Fund Benefit
December 13th, 7:00pm
Patrick’s Cabaret, Minneapolis

the last 24 hours of my life have been surreal. all at once i feel sad, angry, hopeful, scared, blessed, confused and tired.

too much to think about.

the revolution is coming, y'all. and there will be childcare.

this is going friends only for the most part and for the time being. if yer not on the list and you think you should be, comment.

my kid is driving me crazy. literally. i don't remember the last time i felt this challanged by parenting. so we are leaving the house. rest assured we'll be knocking on yer door soon asking you to come out and play with us.

see, i never got into mpr. i was always like, "they just play classical music and then some man who has an nasaly voice describes the classical music and then they talk about stocks and global politics but only in monotone. maybe good to help out with insomnia, but not much else."

since, i have discovered kmoj. i heart kmoj like whoa, you guys.

the tagline is "the peoples station", and they have gooooood talk radio. tonight when i was driving home from work they had some folks on from the league of pissed off voters and they were helping out a caller who was under the impression that he couldn't vote because he was a convicted fellon. not so! they informed him, since he was off the books, he was cool to vote. they also informed us listeners that there will be lawyers on call all election day in case "anything funny" happens at the polls, specifically regarding folks getting a hard time about accessing the polls because they are poor/of color/esl/whatev. the number to call is 1-888-our-vote, so if you see anything funny happen while you're at the polls, call up those great lawyers and they'll come by and save the day.

now see, this is good talk radio. for all you locals who tune into mpr, or even if you don't, try kmoj, 89.9. the same intelligence with so much more culture. and for all y'all who are like, "duh, sonya. i've been rockin kmoj for years", i say to you, "well aren't you hot shit".

good. you can get back to the rest of your friends list now. thanks you for your time.

i got the laundry done. all of it. finally. and made me pototos and cabage and saugases. and cleaned the cat box. tomorrow morning i have to fold the last two loads and marinate some chicken to grill on sunday.

i haven't updated for like two days cuz i feel so drained. my jaw is clenched all the time it seems. i always feel like i'm wasting my time, my life, like sleeping would sabatoge me. tricky and i are getting health insurance (!) by the end of the month, which excited me so much. i want to get evaluated for ocd and see if i can get a diagnosis and possibly get on some meds for it and also get back on buspar (or something similar for anxiety). i need to figure out what's safe for nursing and pregnancy. i miss the good doctor.

i have been looking forward to sg for about three days now. work has been challenging, it's a really challenging crew there right now. tonight was easy because i was at the grocery store for almost 2 hours in the middle of my shift, so it hardly felt like i was there. it was mellow. last night was insane.

then i picked my baby up. he had been at suzee's for the evening. he was awake when i arrived and i nursed him for a long time and then left. he did not fall back asleep in the car, even though i drove a little extra. so i laid in bed with him and nursed him some more, but he was trying to climb around and play. i was very exasperated eventually so i put him in his crib and walked away. he cried for awhile, but fell asleep after about 15 minutes. i hate doing that, even when it's quick. i went in to cover him up with blankets and almost started to cry because i was thinking about how he fell asleep sad and all alone. i am avoiding going to bed because i don't want to go to sleep sad and all alone. against my better judgement i think that when i do go to bed i will remove him from the crib and take him with me. he hasn't slept in the crib for like a month. on the other hand he has been nursing a lot at night. maybe if i leave him he'll sleep for a few hours and i can get a whole sleep cycle in. that could do me wonders.

yesterday i got a delightful package from jamiex9 with 2 prefolds, 2 pins and an organic under the nile fitted diaper she's loaning me. that was really cool. made me smile big.

tricky is too huge to believe, and he is always chattering in jibberish now. it's so funny. tonight suzee gave him a little troll doll and he though it was just great, rubbing the hair on everyone's faces. i wish i hadn't made him cry himself to sleep. theoretically think it's fine, i think it's a good lesson for him to learn, about how to go to sleep by himself. but it wreaks me emotionally.

it's almost four. i need to go to sleep.

last night i was helping a yuth job search on the internet and then checked the time. it was 20 after 12! how had it goten so late?! i still needed to do at least 30 minutes worth of logging plus i was planning to pump plus i really wanted to help my coworker clean the kitchen, which the kids had fucking TRASHED...i could't believe i had managed my time so badly. i told te youth on the computered we'd have to continue the next night and beganm hurridly logging. of course as soon as i did this all the youth bombarded me: can i have some peroxide? can i have some socks? can i have some deoderant?

well, i got a good amount of logging done, decided to skip pumping since there is a small stockpile of milk at pnanama777 and littlecurvieme's house, and ran downstairs to try to do some damage control in the kitchen. i got as much done as i could, considering that my shift had ended 10 minutes before, and then informed my coworker that it was after one and i needed to go get m kid. she said she'd be fine and i'd worked really hard, no worries. so i gt in m car and started driving down marshall back into minneapolis, checking the clock to see how late i'd be to get tricky. the clock said 12:22. i had left work an hour early.

i called my coworker and asked if she wanted me to come bakc in. she laughed at me and said no.

tricky hasn't been peeing much at night for the last week or so. this morning we were nursing in bed and his wool had wicked onto his pajamas. he was soaked! not wanted to get up, i peeled his jammies, cover and diaper off and let him play on the bed naked.

then he pooped on everything. groos.

so the sheet and matress pad are in the dryer, the quilt is in the washer, and both tricky and i have been bathed. he's curretly sleeping in his crib and i really want to go to sleep too, but there is no bedding on my bed. plus i have to ash diapers and have been putting off clothes and linens too and was playing on starting that first thing. well, i can't really complain. i live in an triplex with two vacant units and free laundry. i am pretty damn lucky.

livsmama is going to drop by with some clothes and shoes of tricky's i left there recently and some of the delicious split pea soup we had for dinner that night. later in the afternoon, i'm planning to take tricky and go to littlecurvieme's ouse with my wool diaper covers and washing and lanolizing stuff, cuz i need to wash and lanolize and she need a tutorial, so it'll be perfect. then we wre going to watch this special on nonconventional births (ie home and birthcenter/water) that she tapedoff the discovery health channel.

i am such a birth geek.